This week has been a harsh one, for me. Hard, really hard, but in a positive manner, I believe. I’m still feeling like an emotional wreck and going through a turmoil of thoughts and concerns, sometimes good or bad, meaningful or unnecessary, in what, with some bits of guidance and lots of research, I found to be a quarter of life crisis.
For years, I feel as if I have been in a comatic state I didn’t realize I found myself into. I always invested time and attention into keeping my mind sated and stimulated with every experience, every finding, and every piece of information I could, abstracting, ruminating on the ideas, with no holds barred. This granted me an immense amount of self-knowledge, internal improvement, and understanding about my life, online or offline. And more importantly, that allowed for me to fuel my creativity, something I can’t feel suppressed for my proper functioning. At the same time, as the changes, the pressure, and the hardships through the years increased or became more tactile or present, on both ends, I feel this pace of life was just bringing up the worst of me and my need for escapism, through unhealthy, harmful habits, reliance on vices and behavioral addictions, as a sort of morphine that kept me aware of everything going on around me, but making me blind to how much I was deviating from my ideal path.
My hobbies and passtimes helped me a lot, really, in many ways, specially when facing my frustration over bad life choices, in its many facets, but at the same time, I allowed myself to be consumed by excesses and the clinginess to them. Suddenly facing the prospect of having them cut, or remanaged, made me miserable. And the leading hobby and ‘environment’ in which I could dump my creativity and live my interests more fully, has always been SL, since I first got in. My SL, in all of its steps, with its ups and downs, was pretty much my lifeline. It has been a space of learning, of new experiences, of new friendships and served as a creative stimulus, at the same time it also drew the worst of me, my fomo and my worries, having that projected into it directly or indirectly, while I tried to keep both of these ‘sides’ balanced, in my time online – but also in harmony with my RL, as it continued to change, along with my views and my mindset. I got to a point of my SL, where some balance was achieved, although not in the most optimal way; something that probably reflects the bad management of my time and priorities.
I always had the need to find myself in control of every situation involving myself, and even with all of this hectic, false sense of balance, I managed to go through each step I set ahead of me, contented with underperforming as long as it got me somewhere. When faced with some great opportunities, by then, I was unable to change my mind and behavior, and lost them. Opportunities that could change many things for better, but that I just let slip, due to my own aknowledged mistakes. And after a year pretty much lost and gone, in some aspects, I find myself awakened from this stupor, realizing how much I’ve been bluepilling myself and feeling even more suffocated. I didn’t know how to identify my worries, my insecurities, my fears and instead I just overdid on the escapist ‘fake awareness’ throught which I kept everything at bay, seeing what was wrong but denying all of it. Until the point where I found myself lost and broken, by now.
This has also been a good opportunity, harsh and painful as it is, for me. It allowed me, since the start of the week, to put things into perspective, and collect the broken pieces, even though some may be gone, and some may not be put together again. Things won’t be smooth, and as much as I want to direct this flurry of thoughts and emotions into something positive, my mood and my mind are still trying to find some synch, and the much needed balance I still haven’t achieved.
SL, in being the aforementioned core of my online activities, and part of myself, undeniably, is not something I can simply part with. But just as it happens with RL, it needs to go through some changes. In RL, I have been trying not to overdo, overthink, or just suffer from anticipation too much, while still not neglecting thinking of new perspectives and my own wellbeing – even though the big changes that may come ahead make me fearful and uncertain. I need to try keeping my anxiety in check, as well as my obsession and fear of time and its passing. It makes me appaled, but I can’t let it control me.
So, ultimately, in nutshell – I need to try balancing things, and adapting to what comes next. And as part of this adaptation, my SL, as it is, has to change, in a way or another. I don’t want to go MIA, but I just need to slow things down. I need to take it easy, and make it into the hobby it is, among others, instead of the mental morphine it’s been. My time around may be reduced or remanaged, I don’t know, but instead of dumping so much meaningless and purposeless time into it, unaware of what I want or should do, I want to simply keep it healthy and give more attention – even with a reduced time online – as well as experience more fully, each of my experiences on it. I want to make every bit of time into SL more meaningful, if only for a couple of hours a day, or more, or less, that I may be able to squeeze in. In any way, things have to change, and I need to slow down. I can only hope I’ll be able to find balance in both ends; which also includes adding more variety into my SL/RL activities.
Many people dislike mixing anything SL/RL, in different aspects, but even though I developed an online identity, it is as much of myself as my RL counterpart. Each end has its obvious particularities, limitations and each of these have their own place and space. But my personality, my way of being and my mindset are the same. And I wouldn’t want people to dislike or misunderstand this kind of post, or think I’m seeking attention, validation or pity – I’m definitely not. I see Flickr as more than a simple gallery or photo album. It is my space, my ‘workshop’ of ideas, in any way they are brought up. If it can offer something that 2,5k people enjoy, relate to, feel stimulated by, touched, entertained or find some use for, I’ll be glad – people I’m really grateful for following me, too.
I also know that, yes, I write a lot, a lot, specially when I get carried away. I don’t want to think it’s silly, stupid or selfish to open my mind and bring up my thoughts and my evaluation out loud, even though it may be perceived as such, or not, but, writing has been helping me too much, not only in venting, but also for reflecting on my situation, my feelings, and my musings. And writing all this here helps me a lot, maybe it’s some sort of therapeutic effect. I have heard about the benefits of the habit of journaling, before, and I repent not having started writing more, in the past. And maybe I’ll come with another Journal post in the future.
Undeniably, even though I have been finding comfort and solace in family and friends, online or offline ones, I can’t help but feel a sense of crippling solitude and inner pain at times, and now more than ever I want to, or at least try to, connect myself with others, to share my thoughts and hear about others’, their experiences, chatter and so, and remain open to everything, as I’ve always been – that also allows for growth. I can always be reached anywhere, be it on SL, or when not online, here, through Flickr, F-list and FA notes, and specially Discord (Virtuaroid#7177);
Posted by Virtuaroid Resident on 2018-03-10 20:37:40
Tagged: , female , SL , albino , elf , toned , muscular , fitness , thinspo , skinny , retro , virtuaroid , vivien , shemale , dark , lights , digital , vaporwave , pinup , ivory , blonde , casual , futanari , gallery , snapshots , photo , fantasy , sci-fi , cyberpunk , reflection , anxiety , crisis , solitude , diner , sadness , desolation , hope , struggle , support
