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Being jailed rather than free in one’s own world and relationships
Many don’t have the courage to be authentic, to voice their needs and wishes. They prefer to “be there” for their partners (or dates), to “agree” and succumb to whatever their partners request and expect. They are jailed in their own belief-system, social-cultural upbringing, fears and needs that control them. The way to free themselves from their inner prison is to develop Self-Awareness: get to understand what makes them stuck in old and harmful emotional and behavioral patterns; realize how they sabotage their own attempts at relationships; arrive at insights about what they do which hinders them from developing a successful and healthy intimacy, and consequently learn what steps they need to take in order to change.
Being jailed is always harmful to one’s relationship. Many don’t have the courage to be authentic, to voice their needs and wishes, but rather they prefer to “be there” for their partners (or dates), to “agree” and succumb to whatever their partners request and expect.
At the beginning of a relationship this can enable the intimacy to be “as if” the two love one another much: there are no fights, no conflicts, no quarrels. It is “as if” the two operate on the same level, have a “telepathic connection”, see eye-to-eye. Can it be better than that?
After time, however, things begin to change. After all, how long can one endure being told all the time what to do? How long can one endure masking his/her true voice? How long can one be submissive, given his/her hundred percent and not receiving back from the partner (which happens often one when gives too much and the other “learns” to only receive).
What happens then is typical, and happens often: anger begins to boil in both partners. The “giver” is angry for not receiving in return, the “receiver” is angry at the mood-swings of the other. The first becomes angrier at himself/herself for not being authentic to begin with, the second becomes angry at seeing the changes the first is going through. To make a long story short (since this process takes time and slowly but surely the partners begin to notice that “something is going on”), slowly but surely the intimacy erodes and deteriorates, and the partners feel more and more at a distance from one another, until it is only a matter of time until they will part their ways. And then each of them will begin dating others and trying to develop a new intimacy with someone new.
The problem is, that the two partners might end up having a new relationship with someone else, where the same harmful patterns will evolve: the partner who is not authentic and is on the “giving” end of the relationship (being driven by neediness and the fear of being alone) will apparently behave in the exactly the same way with his/her new partner (or date). And the one who is always on the “receiving end” of the relationship will apparently continue to “look for partners” who will show love and appreciation, even adoration.
Both partners, it seems, are jailed in their own emotional and behavioral patterns, in their own fears and needs – which most likely they themselves are not aware of (otherwise they would have long ago taken the steps to change!).
How can they free themselves from their inner prison?
The only way to free themselves from their inner prison is to develop Self-Awareness: get to understand what makes them stuck in old and harmful emotional and behavioral patterns; realize how they sabotage their own attempts at relationships; arrive at insights about what they do which hinders them from developing a successful and healthy intimacy, and consequently learn what steps they need to take in order to change.
Having gain such awareness, as they get up the courage to become more authentic, in touch with their own will and wishes and the ability to verbalize it – to themselves as well as to their partners – the chance is great that they will become empowered to develop a successful intimacy, where they will feel free to be “who they truly are”.
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Source by Doron Gil, Ph.D.
